I sat in a small group 3 years ago. It wasn’t our first small group, and it wouldn’t be our last. We sat in a circle (because in our church, we believe circles are better than rows!), and introduced ourselves. We were supposed to tell everyone who we were, what we did, and how we had come to the church that currently brought everyone into our living room. I remember telling this group that I didn’t know what I was supposed to do soon, but I felt like God was “swirling in my heart.” Stirring it to do something really big. But I had no idea what that something would look like. I told them I felt like I was in waiting mode. I was just waiting to see what that something was supposed to be, and I was ready. I’m sure this very group that I was looney. Probably because people don’t usually share this part of their story. They wait until that swirling has turned into a really successful insert successful venture here,and then they share their previous struggle. I had no idea what this BIG THING would look like. To be honest, fast forward three years, I still don’t have a concrete answer. I certainly thought by now, I would know.
For several months, I think I tried to CREATE what this swirling was supposed to mean. Apartment ministries? That sounds fantastic and fun– and off me and the kiddos went to look at apartments in Peachtree City. My level-headed husband called us looney for that one and said heck-to-tha-no. I really felt like whatever this big thing entailed, it would involve us leaving the house we live in, whether that meant to travel near or far. Were we willing to give up all of the things that make us cozy and comfortable to follow His call? I felt like we were. Level-headed-hubby agreed- but not to go to Peachtree City apartments. I created several crazy ideas– none very personal to me, but I felt like I had to do SOMETHING. Basically all of that craziness led to nothing more than a few days of looking at several silly ideas, and I decided that although my heart was swirling with God preparing me for something really BIG, it was not time for action. It was time for acknowledging that HE controlled my steps and my plans, and I needed to chill out and wait for HIM. So, in the meantime, we joined in with some amazing, already existing not-for-profits and walked along side them.
I still haven’t gotten an amazing vision or a confirmation of any type that I know what this was about. But I can say that over the last year, God has taken my heart for orphans and adoption to a new level of brokenness. The kind of brokenness that takes someone to a ledge and says, “Ok rational person, take this leap, and you will find the REALLY BIG you had been feeling.” A leap into the unknown. A leap into the messy. A leap into the territory that will leave most of your friends and family thinking you’ve lost it and not wiling to come alongside you because of their own fear.
I’m afraid we’re to the part of my story where I know what I’m supposed to do, or at least mostly, and I’m in the “Actually God, that looks kind of messy. Can I do this instead? Isn’t it a GREAT idea?” phase. There aren’t a lot of people cheering us off the ledge.
There isn’t much point to this post other than to document our mundane story over the last few years. I have a feeling this is the calm before the storm!